Please see the above link to my first novel, ‘Myself am Hell’. As you can tell from the title, the shadow of John Milton hangs over the mind of my central character, Quentin.
Quentin’s mind is also constantly under attack from obsessive thoughts and the accompanying urge to perform compulsions in order to gain short-term relief. The following is an excerpt from early in the novel during Quentin’s studies at Christ’s College Cambridge. This shows a relatively healthy Quentin engaging in a conversation with a girl called Derby in a jazz club. Quentin is bright and ambitious, but the spectre of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is beginning to make its presence felt in his mind:
‘I will never go near to
‘And what of your ordinary people, your people who work to survive, without notions of Milton or ambition?’
‘I don’t understand the question.’
‘Of course you don’t, young man, because you are high on the liquid academic air of Cambridge. But you will understand that soon enough. You think the mind is all, don’t you. May I quote to you from your favourite poet?’
‘By all means.’ You can’t stop someone when they want to quote poetry.
Touched her. Didn’t touch her didn’t
‘thou shouldst not know / More happiness than this thy present lot.’ She sits back on her stool as if her point has been made.
‘Comus,’ I say. ‘How does that apply to me?’
Murdered and raped or raped and murdered them both of them. But simply look around you; it’s all you have to do. We’re in a public place and everybody’s fine. You simply could not have done it.
‘You will see, scholar, in time. I bet you were head boy, weren’t you?’
‘Hold on a moment, you don’t even kn…’
‘Answer the question.’
‘Yes, I was. Is that a crime?’
‘Academic star, good at sport, popular?’
‘If you say so.’ I don’t want to play this game.
‘But won’t everyone be like that here?’
I just shrug. Punch her in the face.
‘You’ll need to find out who you really are now. Beyond all that Cambridge application stuff, you know?’
‘How do you know all this?’ I say.
‘Give some thought to what I said.’
It seems the conversation is over as Derby turns to watch Henry exit the stage amidst considerable applause. Smash her in the face with the glass
Touch not and go near Never
I jump down from the stool and clatter straight into Henry and Derby.
‘Whoa there, horse,’ says Henry, taking my arm.
‘Thank you, Henry. I’m gonna call it a night after a quick detour to the gents. I wish you both a pleasant evening.’
I have to turn back at the door to the toilets to make sure they are both fine. They are both fine. They are talking and laughing. There is no blood anywhere. Everything is normal and as it should be. Take a few breathes. I feel so tired.
I arrive back at the college but to my surprise and no little degree of alarm the porter’s office is closed and the gates are locked. I guess he was serious about the half-ten curfew. What would Milton do in this situation? Better find a hotel somewhere. Better start budgeting from tomorrow. Is that a rumble of thunder in the night air? I light a cigarette, and I’m off. A beaten and bloodied Derby crying for help. But she was fine when I left. I could go back. Don’t be ridiculous.’
This novel is my literary attempt to demonstrate the reality of living with OCD and the terrible effects it can have on people’s lives. The book is also hopeful, though, as Quentin battles with the condition through his own creativity and the support of his friends.
Better things for better living, but not through chemistry 